本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛进来学习论坛一片繁荣。俺也来凑个热闹，以读者观点，掂量下那几块“砖”。
一位坛里换昵称比换衣裳快的大姐大曾喊了句“受不了”，从另一面提出个问题：什么才叫“外语学习”。 中文是象形文字。和英文有很大不同，每个字所能表达的意思比单个英文单词要丰富的多。所以中文向来以简洁著称。过去有很多所谓“一字之师”，人们为到底用哪一个字而想好几天。结果便是大家有点太关注所谓用词，语法，而比较忽略文章的架构和表达方式。
那咱现在就从文章的架构和表达方式上，评一下最近的两篇大做。
1. 给用户的一封快信 （#7278940@0）
Hey,
I know you guys may have thought this through already.. Nevertheless,just thought I should share it when it comes down to UC design,from an architectural perspective, no matter what vendor you will select at the end...
第一段，开门见山，告诉读者写作目的。虽然最终目的还是卖，但没有那么直接表白。而是站在第三者角度，并以一个权威的姿态，来叙述自己的观点。让人感觉没那么强势。
1) Solution maturity and service partner maturity:
。。。。
5) Dependencies on network, on bandwidth, on site facility, on Telco's
以列表的方式，简洁明了的列出几个关键问题所在。这几点一定是自家产品的强项所在。当然，也一定是用户所关心的。里面没提到什么价格便宜啊，使用方便啊，界面良好啊，因为要么那不是用户所关心的，要么那不是自己的强项。最终目的，牵着用户的鼻子，把他们引入自己的领地。
We will touch base this afternoon on some of those points in our quick call.. But thought this list could be helpful in your own evaluation process....
结尾，再次重申目的是帮助用户选择。而不是强迫用户购买。但前面的列表，很潜移默化的把即将讨论的话题给设定好了，就等请君入瓮了。
2. sell your house privately （#7279815@0）
He might have saved $18000 commission, but he could've sold for $20000 more by selling through agents.
开头，虽然不那么直接，但用数据说话，勾起读者好奇心，为后面做铺垫。
但用虚拟语气，说明事实没有发生，说服力差了些。
A recent real world example: Listing agent is a friend of the seller and agreed to not charge buyer's agent commission. So it's like a private sale + listing agent commission. There're over 50 showings. All but one buyer acted through an agent. There're multiple offers. The lone private buyer did make an offer. However, his offer is a lot less than the highest offer. Had the seller sold to this person, he indeed would have saved the 2.25% commission, but he would have made $13000 less overall.
举实际例子，增加说服力。不过最后用了不同的数字表达方式（% 和 $ )，容易把人弄糊涂。不如直接比较$来的清晰。
I know at least 2 houses which failed to sell privately and later sold through agents. There're many issues with private sale.
进入正题。读者期待看到many issues. 但后面没有列出。而且实际下面只提到了两点。如果列出几个会更好些。至少说一下 "the most common mistakes are ….."
The biggest one is lack of advertising
……………
讲述观点。第一句先把观点说明，最关键。不过叙述稍有些乱。说很少不在MSL上，但又说私卖的网站很多，又说网站设计的不好，等。其实主要表达的是说不容易被买家找到，客户群小很多。
Another problem is that people who look for private sales usually want good deals.
…………….
这段其实很关键，应该展开些。因为最终目的是卖个好价钱。
The biggest commission expense is for the buyer's agent. In theory, private sale should only save you the listing agent's commission which is probably only $6000 out of the $18000 total. If you refuse to deal with buyers who have agents, then you'd give up more than 90% of the market. I once checked 100 sales on MLS, 95 of them had a buyer's agent.
这段和上面比，是另个话题了。用个转折性的连词或句子可以显得不那么突然。说节省的钱，用比例更好些，因为钱数是随房子价值不同而不同的。如果强调钱数，可以给个最大差价，以吸引读者。同时，这两句一个说的是钱，一个是市场，放一起略显突然，把读者弄糊涂。
IMO, you probably save money through private sale but the saving is probably a lot less than you think. Is it worth the trouble and the risk of not selling your house in time?
总结性段落。再次强调观点。完美结束。更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
一位坛里换昵称比换衣裳快的大姐大曾喊了句“受不了”，从另一面提出个问题：什么才叫“外语学习”。 中文是象形文字。和英文有很大不同，每个字所能表达的意思比单个英文单词要丰富的多。所以中文向来以简洁著称。过去有很多所谓“一字之师”，人们为到底用哪一个字而想好几天。结果便是大家有点太关注所谓用词，语法，而比较忽略文章的架构和表达方式。
那咱现在就从文章的架构和表达方式上，评一下最近的两篇大做。
1. 给用户的一封快信 （#7278940@0）
Hey,
I know you guys may have thought this through already.. Nevertheless,just thought I should share it when it comes down to UC design,from an architectural perspective, no matter what vendor you will select at the end...
第一段，开门见山，告诉读者写作目的。虽然最终目的还是卖，但没有那么直接表白。而是站在第三者角度，并以一个权威的姿态，来叙述自己的观点。让人感觉没那么强势。
1) Solution maturity and service partner maturity:
。。。。
5) Dependencies on network, on bandwidth, on site facility, on Telco's
以列表的方式，简洁明了的列出几个关键问题所在。这几点一定是自家产品的强项所在。当然，也一定是用户所关心的。里面没提到什么价格便宜啊，使用方便啊，界面良好啊，因为要么那不是用户所关心的，要么那不是自己的强项。最终目的，牵着用户的鼻子，把他们引入自己的领地。
We will touch base this afternoon on some of those points in our quick call.. But thought this list could be helpful in your own evaluation process....
结尾，再次重申目的是帮助用户选择。而不是强迫用户购买。但前面的列表，很潜移默化的把即将讨论的话题给设定好了，就等请君入瓮了。
2. sell your house privately （#7279815@0）
He might have saved $18000 commission, but he could've sold for $20000 more by selling through agents.
开头，虽然不那么直接，但用数据说话，勾起读者好奇心，为后面做铺垫。
但用虚拟语气，说明事实没有发生，说服力差了些。
A recent real world example: Listing agent is a friend of the seller and agreed to not charge buyer's agent commission. So it's like a private sale + listing agent commission. There're over 50 showings. All but one buyer acted through an agent. There're multiple offers. The lone private buyer did make an offer. However, his offer is a lot less than the highest offer. Had the seller sold to this person, he indeed would have saved the 2.25% commission, but he would have made $13000 less overall.
举实际例子，增加说服力。不过最后用了不同的数字表达方式（% 和 $ )，容易把人弄糊涂。不如直接比较$来的清晰。
I know at least 2 houses which failed to sell privately and later sold through agents. There're many issues with private sale.
进入正题。读者期待看到many issues. 但后面没有列出。而且实际下面只提到了两点。如果列出几个会更好些。至少说一下 "the most common mistakes are ….."
The biggest one is lack of advertising
……………
讲述观点。第一句先把观点说明，最关键。不过叙述稍有些乱。说很少不在MSL上，但又说私卖的网站很多，又说网站设计的不好，等。其实主要表达的是说不容易被买家找到，客户群小很多。
Another problem is that people who look for private sales usually want good deals.
…………….
这段其实很关键，应该展开些。因为最终目的是卖个好价钱。
The biggest commission expense is for the buyer's agent. In theory, private sale should only save you the listing agent's commission which is probably only $6000 out of the $18000 total. If you refuse to deal with buyers who have agents, then you'd give up more than 90% of the market. I once checked 100 sales on MLS, 95 of them had a buyer's agent.
这段和上面比，是另个话题了。用个转折性的连词或句子可以显得不那么突然。说节省的钱，用比例更好些，因为钱数是随房子价值不同而不同的。如果强调钱数，可以给个最大差价，以吸引读者。同时，这两句一个说的是钱，一个是市场，放一起略显突然，把读者弄糊涂。
IMO, you probably save money through private sale but the saving is probably a lot less than you think. Is it worth the trouble and the risk of not selling your house in time?
总结性段落。再次强调观点。完美结束。更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net